I have the ongoing experience of moments of deep insight into my true nature and knowing without a shadow of a doubt who I truly am; yet resting deeply in that seems to be a struggle. In an instant I can find myself again looking for the evidence within my experience to light the way back to that deep truth. There is a formidable momentum to the personal self which doesn’t simply stop.
The habit of affirming my experience using thought and feeling is deeply ingrained and almost invisible, and slipping into a defining mood that is limiting and self-concerned happens in the blink of an eye. Recognising this shift and choosing to make space for it allows for the clarity to let it just be and it can then dissipate like smoke into a vast space.
The sustained passion needed for self-realization has also set up certain expectations of what it will be like on arrival. I have expectations that such a fundamental shift has implications and that I need to do something with it, and therein lies the trap. The surrender of the personal self as a reference point is taking the hand off the steering wheel. The need to feel significant combined with the loss of control is frustrating to a sense of self that has always appeared to be driving my destiny – particularly for a control freak like me who wants to manipulate as many variables as I can.
It is also quite disorienting and at times deeply worrying to realise that many activities that seemed inherently part of my make-up are simply falling away. It feels like disintegration of self rather than the deep integration that enlightenment seems to promise. It takes a while to realise that losing these impulses is also like losing a suit of armour. It allows space to breathe. In the end truly resting in my deepest centre means letting all of that arise, seeing it and recognising it for what it is. This is what slows down the momentum of ‘me’.
The bumpy landing is only the view from my limited self and recognising and trusting that deeply is the key to the always open door.
Peter M.
