I'm on slightly firmer ground now physically, but there is still a long way to go. Your messages have made a world of difference. Thank-you for your kindness and heart.
I was as you know, shocked by the ferocity of the emotions surrounding sudden incapacity, and what felt like a fall from grace and equanimity within. When the emotions subsided, I expected to find some kind of internal mess to clean up or inner work to do to re-establish my equilibrium. Instead, I found that NOTHING HAD CHANGED. At the core of myself, there had been no movement at all, no disturbance and no interruption. The storm of emotions and physical collapse had not left a single mark on the continuity, peace and integrity of Being.
What had been disturbed, threatened and challenged was the part of me that was still trying to be in control: a refusal to accept incapacity and an insistence on things going my way. That is where the 'work' needed/needs to happen: letting go of my will and allowing the rivers of change to go where they please. I'm oddly grateful to have discovered this particular place of resistance in myself. By being forced to confront it and recognize it for what it is, it no longer hides in the dark and it no longer has the same power over me.
I have no doubt there will be other places of resistance and personal will to contend with in future.
But the message is clear: I don't have to fear the storms. That which is essential remains untouched, and that which is subject to change can and will change, regardless. The passing experiences will continue to pass but the core remains intact.
Yorumlar