About 3 yrs ago, I was led back to the path of seeking, assisted by a few high dose psilocybin experiences. I meditate 40 minutes a day. I think there's been some effect: at times, I can't really tell myself who I am (though I can still tell others). I procrastinate less and crave sugar less. I feel much less of my lifelong self-dislike and depression. Most of all, there is often a *silence* when I look at things that was rarely there before. It can be deafening at times, yet it's very subtle and...confusing.
Do you think I could have stepped off the dock and into the boat, which now rocks a bit unsteadily under my feet? I've no idea if it matters how deep the water is or how far I am from shore - I gather that may not be the point, but my mind keeps wanting to know what (or if) anything is going on. I've heard some people have rather definite experiences related to awakening, while some are subtle. Mine may be the latter. I feel like I know almost nothing, but I can't stop asking 24/7, so seeking clearly hasn't ended - but maybe I'm actually on the path, for real? LP
This is my perception based on what you have told me, but you must be the best judge if what I am saying is true for you.
My sense is that a profound shift is taking place - you are discovering/experiencing the silence that is the hallmark of the Self/True nature.
You say the depression and self-dislike are much less which is wonderful. Are you though completely clear about the one who is suffering less from these things? Awakening as I define it, is the recognition that the personal, narrative self/ego (with its depression, self-dislike and so on) is not one’s true identity. One realises one’s true identity is the silent, infinite, spacious awareness/beingness of the Self. Are you effortlessly rooted and grounded in this recognition? If yes, then you have indeed reached the other shore and can now abandon the boat. If no, then that fundamental realization/recognition/awakening is still to come.
As I said, I feel a very significant shift is happening for you/within you, and if your answer to the above question is ’no’, then that precious shift needs to be nourished and supported. The silence and peace that comes with it are the Self emerging within you, as you. Give this Self as much time and attention and recognition as you can. Let it become dominant, allow yourself to rest there more and more. Become increasingly aware of the difference between the personal/egoic self and this expansive aware, silent, stillness.
There is no doubt you are on the right track and 'on the Path, for real'. Follow the path (inwards) all the way to recognising yourself as none other than the Self. Silence, peace, equanimity and clarity are the nature of the Self and will guide you home.